Limericks are the Limit
There was an old man from King’s Lynn
who thought boozing a terrible sin.
But when he was tight,
he thought it alright.
So we kept him well tanked up with gin.
There was a young man of Gibraltar.
When courting, his steps didn’t falter.
His girlfriend so sweet
was swept off her feet.
So he carried her off to the altar.
An unfaithful old husband called Beaver
told his wife he was going to leave her.
She said, „You’re ungrateful.
You’re not worth a plateful
of bones for our Golden Retriever.“
There was a young fellow called Andy,
by nature exceedingly randy.
His life was a mess;
he owed his success
to bribing the ladies with brandy.
There was an old fellow called Breezer,
who was an eccentric old geezer.
He kept his shoes clean
in the washing machine
and put his best socks in the freezer.
There was an old fellow called Clark,
who put up a tent in the park.
When the mayor said, „Old hermit,
hey, you ain’t got a permit!“
he answered, „You look like a shark!“
There was a young fellow called Reg,
who went for a ride on a sledge.
They got out of control,
when they came to a hole,
and vanished right over the edge.
There was an old wizard in Wells,
who said ‘midst loud ringing of bells,
„I think it’s quite tragic,
I’ve run out of magic
and now I can’t cast any spells.“
There was a young student from Turkey,
whose English was fluent but jerky.
He said Cornwall and Devon
might be just like heaven,
But after Istanbul London seemed murky.
There was a strange man of Old Sarum,
his relations, he just couldn’t bear ‘em,
so he sat on a post,
disguised as a ghost
making blood-curdling noises to scare ’em.
There was an old fellow called Sam,
who slipped and fell under a tram.
His corpse was all mangled,
when they got him untangled.
It looked just like strawberrry jam.
There was a young fellow named Hooker,
who met a fair maid and he took her
up to his ecstatic
love net in the attic,
but the very next day he forsook her.
There was a young lady called Topper
who told stories profane and improper.
She shocked all the blokes
with her dirty old jokes,
but nobody knew how to stop her.
There was an old windbag called Vince,
who simply refused to take hints.
He bored us to death
without stopping for breath.
His stories made eveyone wince.
There was a young lady called Kitty,
who was most amazingly pretty.
She liked hugging and kissing,
but virtue was missing.
She slept in most beds in the city.
There was an old fellow called Hurst,
who had an insatiable thirst.
He went for a soak
in the Old Royal Oak,
and drank so much beer that he burst.
There was an old cow in the field,
who asked, „Will it increase my yield,
if I eat all these crops,
cabbage, beetroot and hops
and spuds that have yet to be peeled?“
There once lived a clever old snake,
who lived on bananas and cake.
Meeting Adam and Eve,
he got them to leave
their garden. Eve made a mistake.
There was a young girl who said, „Heck!
You’ve put a fat worm down my neck!“
But her boyfriend, called Jake,
said, „No, it’s a snake
I caught on an African trek.“
The Microsoft founder Bill Gates
had more insight than most of his mates.
He thought that his e-mail
was more fun than a female,
so he rarely asked ladies for dates.
A singer from Sheffield, Joe Cocker,
at times was a bit of a shocker.
He wore blue suede shoes,
sang rhythm and blues
and on Saturday often played soccer.
In Buckingham Palace the Queen
said, „We need a new washing machine.
The old one still leaks,
it’s done so for weeks
and the noises it makes are obscene.“
A limerick writer called Gertie
thought limericks ought to be dirty.
Her sister Eileen
thought they ought to be clean,
and between them they wrote about thirty.
A limerick writer called Cocking
wrote limericks vulgar and shocking.
His wife, quite disgusted,
thought he couldn’t be trusted,
and hid all his verse in her stocking.
There was a young lady called Florence
who held all good books in abhorrence.
„Jane Austen and Dickens?
The very thought sickens,
but I simply adore DH Lawrence.“
There was a young lady called White,
who gave her poor husband a fright.
She sat on a post,
dressed up as a ghost
and screemed at him all through the night.
There was an old fellow called Randells,
whose life was a series of scandals.
A royalist keen,
he once met the Queen
dressed only in blue jeans and sandals.
There was a young lady from Wilts
who walked up to Scotland on stilts.
When they said it was shocking
to show so much stocking,
she retorted, „Well, what about kilts?“
There was an accountant called Ruddle
whose records were all in a muddle.
He drove to the border
to put them in order,
then dropped half his files in a puddle.
There was a young fisherman, Knox,
whose boat ran aground on the rocks.
It wasn’t much fun,
so at twenty to one
he waded ashore in his socks.
There was a young fellow called Lister
who hated his stepmother’s sister.
He decided to shoot her
when she got off her scooter,
but his aim was so bad that he missed her.
There was a young lady called Midge,
who kept all her socks in the fridge.
She made it a rule
to keep her feet cool
when she walked over Westminster Bridge.
There was an old fellow called Chunder
who was frightened to death of the thunder.
He didn’t find lightning
anywhere near as frightening
till a sudden flash tore him asunder.
There was an old fellow called Payne
who hadn’t a great deal of brain.
He thought it was risky
to drink too much whisky,
so he poured the whole lot down the drain.
There was an old chap in Peru
who found himself eating a shoe.
He said, „Life is rough,
and this shoe’s rather tough,
but at least it is something to chew.“
There was an old fellow called Barratt
who talked no more sense than a parrot.
He ended one day,
I’m sorry to say,
by choking to death on a carrot.
I learnt that „fons“ was a fountain
and I learnt that „mons“ was a mountain.
But the system broke down,
I thought with a frown,
as „pons“ is a bridge, not a pountain.
There was an old organist, Morgan,
who was expert at playing the organ.
His daughter was charming,
in fact, quite disarming,
but his wife was a proper old gorgon.
Academic admirers of rhyme
think Wordsworth and Shelley sublime,
but lowbrows like me
give me a limerick any odd time“
Said a learned professor of Greek,
„Please, listen to me when I speak.
Today it’s all sex,
and „Oedipus Rex“,
so Plato can wait till next week.“
There was a young lady called Ida
who swallowed a bloody great spider.
The spider got tired
and duly expired
After running and wriggling inside her.
Peppone the communist mayor
was honest and perfectly fair.
His cum, Don Camillo,
was as soft as a pillow,
but sometimes got into his hair.